Radio Script #1300

Little Talks on Common Things
February 7, 1982

This is the 1300th broadcast of Little Talks on Common Things, and I am happy to devote it to the man whose birthday occurs next Friday, Abraham Lincoln.

Stories told about our great president are numerous All of us have heard about his melancholy depression after the death of Ann Rutledge, about his skill as a wrestler, about his prodigious physical strength. about his walking four miles to borrow a book. We have heard about his skill as an Illinois lawyer, especially the oft repeated yarn about his producing an almanac to show that there was no full moon on the evening a witness claimed he saw clearly the face of an accused murderer. We have heard of the disgust of cabinet members when Lincoln opened cabinet meetings by reading the latest published offering of the Maine humorist Artemus Ward. And we all remember the story of how Lincoln came to grow a beard after he became President, responding to the request of a little Massachusetts girl.

Today I want to tell you some Lincoln stories that are not so well known.

One day, during recess at court in Springfield, two lawyers starting wrestling in the courtyard: One of them got a tear in the seat of his pants. As court was about to resume, someone started a subscription to buy the attorney a new pair of pants. Lincoln refused to participate. He said, “I can contribute nothing to the end in view.” When told that one of his clients was just plain lazy, Lincoln replied, “I’m afraid you’re right. He’s like the minister who used to write excessively long sermons. He got to writing and was so lazy he couldn’t stop.”

There are many accounts of Lincoln’s own ability to tell stories. One concerns a court clerk whom Lawyer Lincoln approached during a session, leaned over the table, and told a funny story. The Clerk’s outburst of laughter caused the judge to fine him for contempt of court. The clerk apologized, but told the judge the story was worth the fine. A few minutes later in a lull of court proceedings, the judge called the clerk over to the bench and asked what was the story that Lincoln told. When the clerk told the story, the judge could not restrain his own laughter, and said to the clerk, “Your fine is remitted.”

Many stories are told about Lincoln’s religion, although he belonged to no church. While in the Illinois legislature, Lincoln once attended a camp meeting conducted by a Methodist evangelist. When the speaker asked all who wanted to go to heaven to stand up, all stood except Lincoln. Then the plea was, “All who do not want to go to hell, stand up.” Again all rose but Lincoln. Then the evangelist addressed Lincoln directly. “Where sir, are you going?” “I’m going to Congress”, said Lincoln.

It is common knowledge that, in the weeks between his election and his inauguration, Lincoln was constantly pestered by applicants for government jobs. One day he received a delegation of four prominent Philadelphians, who presented the qualifications of their candidate of Collector for that port. They spread the praise on thick. The man was scrupulously honest; he had exceptional administrative ability, worked ceaselessly and frequently burned the midnight oil. No honors could be bestowed on this man that would elevate him higher than he now stood among his fellow men. Lincoln listened patiently, then said: “It gives me great satisfaction to hear such praise bestowed. Such a man needs no office. It can confer on him no added advantage. To appoint such a man to a paltry office in government would do him gross injustice. I shall reserve the office for some poor politician who needs it.”

A woman asked Lincoln to give her son an officer’s commission in the army. She pleaded: “My grandfather fought at Bunker Hill; my father fought at New Orleans; my husband was killed in the Mexican War.” Lincoln said to her: “Your family has done enough. It’s time to give someone else a chance.” Secretary of War Stanton complained to Lincoln about a general who had used abusive language about the administration, including the President himself. Lincoln told Stanton to write that general a sharp letter, and show it to Lincoln. When Stanton showed him the draft, Lincoln said: “That’s a good strong letter, but write him over again and hit him even harder.” When Lincoln saw the revision he said to Stanton: “Now that’s more like it. That’s just right. Now what are you going to do with it?” ”Mail it, of course,” said Stanton. “Oh don’t do that,” said Lincoln, “burn it up. That’s what I always do when I have written a letter while I am angry. It’s a good letter, and you’ve had a good time writing it. Now burn it and forget it.”

During the war, when Lincoln was being constantly criticized for both what he did and what he didn’t do, he told this story. A man was riding horseback on the Kansas prairie. A terrific thunder shower broke. As it grew dark the storm grew worse. A terrific clap made the man get off his horse and fall to his knees in prayer. “If it’s all the same to you, Lord, give us more light and less noise.”

There were people who didn’t appreciate Lincoln’s jokes. They felt the grim days of warfare were no time for humor. A President ought to be serious every minute of the day. Two Maryland ladies who were on opposite sides were disputing the respective merits of Lincoln and the President of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis. “Davis,” said the southern sympathizer, “is a praying man.” “So is Lincoln,” said the northerner. “That may be true,” was the reply, “but the Lord will think he’s joking.”

Generals complained about Lincoln’s persistent pardoning of court martial sentencing of soldiers who had slept on sentry duty, been AWOL for a few days, or had killed another soldier in a fight. When Lincoln had been thus stingingly rebuked by General Benjamin Butler, commanding officer of captured New Orleans, he told a man he couldn’t possibly pardon his son. When he saw the man’s despair, he said: “Butler or no Butler, I’ll do something for your boy.” He wrote a note and handed it to the man. It said: “Henry Ives is not to be shot until further orders from me. “Oh, Mr. President,” wailed the father, “I thought you would pardon him. Now you may still have him shot within a week.” Lincoln said: “I fear you don’t know me. If your son waits until I order his execution, he’ll be old as Methuselah.”

One day a representative from the War Office pleaded with Lincoln to let a court martial sentence stand. “That fellow,” said Stanton’s aide, “admits his guilt; he has no relatives to mourn him; he’s not fit to be a soldier; he’ll serve his country better dead than alive.” “Well’! said Lincoln, “I’ll put him in my leg file.” “What do you mean, leg file?” asked the aide. “See all the papers in that pigeon hole,” said Lincoln. “They’re all cases of cowardness in face of the enemy. If God Almighty gave a man a cowardly pair of. legs, how can he help their running away with him?”

A delegation came from Delaware to protest some action by the President. “Do you all come from Delaware?” asked Lincoln. They did indeed. “Do you all come from Wilmington?” “Yes.” “I’m told that you are all men of weight in Delaware.” “I think we are,” said the spokeman. “Then,” said Lincoln, “did it never occur to you that your state might tip over while you’re away.”

When Lincoln agreed on an exploratory conference to secure peace, the Confederate spokesman said, “We appreciate your willingness to meet with us. You have good precedent for it. King Charles I met with those who had taken up arms against his government.” “I didn’t know that,” said Lincoln, “but I do recall that King Charles lost his head.”

When Lincoln was one day slow to get ready to leave Washington for an important occasion, Secret Service men feared he would miss the train. Knowing that it was a special train for the President, Lincoln was unruffled. He said to the men: “You remind me of a fellow out in Kansas who was going to be hung as a horse thief. The road to the gallows was so crowded with people anxious to see the hanging that the prisoner’s conveyance was held up. To the driver, the prisoner said: “What’s your hurry? There ain’t going to be any fun til I get there.”

A negro woman whose husband had been one of the first to enlist when colored regiments were formed, came to Lincoln to plead for her husband’s pay, which she had at first received but had since stopped coming. She depended on it to feed her two children. Lincoln assured her that she would get her husband’s pay, and said to her “Perhaps some day the only food in your house will be a single loaf of bread. Give your children each a big slice, and send them off to school.” Telling the story, the woman said: “Then Mr. Lincoln done bow like I was a natural born lady.”

And with that touching story about one of our greatest presidents, we say goodbye until next week.

Year: 1982