After a grueling few weeks of trials and tribulations, I have finally found success in the most important aspect of fitness training: how to pick up women at the gym. Many failures, and eventually successes (along with many broken hearts, as this was strictly meant for research purposes only), have finally paid off, leading to the discovery of a fail-proof method for success. This wisdom I now pass along to you.
Step 1: The Attire
Since outer appearance means everything these days, this is the first and most important aspect for success. I have experimented with multiple types of garments and have concluded that the loud, bright and slightly obnoxious garb of the 80’s is sure to draw anyone’s attention. A nice track suit as pictured below, accessorized with a headband and sunglasses will show everyone that you mean business when entering the gym. Strip this off to reveal neon lycra (to show off the curves) and a tight-fitting t-shirt, preferably with the sleeves cut off (to show off the guns) and you will find yourself already half-way there. Note, the leotard as well as the unitard were not quite as successful.
Step 2: The Warm-up
Because actually working out is hard and tiring, this is how you should spend the majority of your time at the gym. After stripping off the track-suit, position yourself directly in front of your target when she is on the treadmill, stationary bike, Stair Master, etc. It is crucial that she is on one of these machines for this because she will be forced to look in your direction for the duration of your suggestive stretching techniques. Take your time, make sure you hit every position you can think of to give her the full view.
Step 3: The Workout
If that didn’t seal the deal already, it is time for the workout. In the weight room, you don’t actually have to be strong to look strong. The first step to the workout is to pick out a machine, load it up with enough weights to make the bar bend and wait patiently. You only need to be able to lift it up high enough so that it will make a loud bang as you slam it back down, yelling “100!” to grab her attention. Pouring water all over yourself before, to mimic sweat, is also a deal maker, showing her just how intense you are. This will surely have her thinking that you are the strongest guy in the gym.
Step 4: The Cool-Down
Just in case she didn’t catch the burley workout you faked your way through, the cool-down will certainly set the hook. Go back over to her on the Stair Master and continue to suggestively stretch right in-front of her where she can’t look away. Move in closer to use the machine for balance as you stretch out those quads. I found that it helps if you haven’t showered in multiple days, because the smell will quickly pull her attention away from that Cosmo she’s reading, and will also let he know how hardcore your workout must have been. When she looks up with a disgusted face, stare right into her eyes and say, “that’s hard work you smell,” give a little bicep flex, then head for the door. You want to try to play a little hard to get.
If you follow these steps correctly, don’t be surprised if your phone is ringing off the hook the next few days. Women will think that you are the definition of fitness, the alpha male, an irresistible ladies’ man. You’re welcome.