Enter the Kitchen: An Internet Cooking Show Manifesto

The Internet Cooking Show

Cooking is one of things that will suck up as much time as you want to put into it. It ranges from putting a poptart in the toaster to the multi-day marathon that is beef wellington. I don’t think its a stretch to say that most of us typically are on the poptart end of this spectrum. But every now and then, when we just wake up full of motivation, when we finally have an evening free, when the moon is in the certain phase, we’ll go online and watch someone else work some culinary magic.

There are people out there who would have you believe that cooking videos simply teach one to cook. This could not be further from the truth.

Cooking videos do not teach you how to cook, they teach you how to love… to cook. Well… not so much love to cook, but love to watch other people cook food you will never get to eat. Based on my “research”, no one has ever actually attempted to cook any of the foods they have seen online. Why? Because if we had the motivation to go out and cook something, we wouldn’t be sitting on our butts watching a dog tell us how to make a bento box. The most popular cooking videos are the ones with the least actual cooking. I claim that the age of Julia Child and Emeril Lagasse is at an end. The future belongs to the comedians, to the drunks, to the impoverished, to the obese, to the anthropomorphic dogs that live within our computer screens and entertain us for a while. And as a citizen of this fantastic food future, I demand more.

I want more. More talking aniamls. More alcohol. More puns. More foods seemingly sprung from some sort of fever dream. I want more niche partioning. I don’t want more shows about french cooking, italian cooking, southern cooking. I want more shows about amusement park cooking, dormroom cooking, cooking with fire and fruit and flamingos. I want more STORIES. I more WHY and WHO and less HOW MUCH and WHAT TEMPERATURE. I want to relate, not to create. I want recipes with revelry, instruction with more production, baking with more breaking. I demand more explosions, more flubs and dubs, more drops and flops. I demand more burnt to a crisp failure and oh so greasy success.

Because, as the great Julia Child once said, with cooking you got to have a what the hell attitude.